Manny the Imperial Guard's Chaos-Funded Adventure Into Horseland
by Iron Galley
Summary: Manny the Imperial Guardsman is being sent on a mission to Horseland by the EMPRAH! also Gork, Mork, Nurgle, Slaanesh, Khorne, Tzeentch, and many , many others. The point is, Manny must use his IG strength and DEVOTION to save the horses! OR ELSE
1. ERE WE GO!

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/ 'ERE WE GO!/ Story: Manny the Imperial Guard's Chaos-Funded Adventure Into Horseland/ by Iron Cultist Galley/-/

[size=2em]FOR GORK AND MORK!1[/size]

Manny the Imperial Guardsman almost shat his pants as a massive ork slashed his buddy's face in half with a cruel axe's blade. The guardsman fell to the ground, bleeding profusely from his now divided head. Manny was aghast.

"Oh, no… Pedro!" Manny said as the ork suckled on Pedro's vertebrae. "You had too much spine for your own good…"

"Tasty too!" The ork agreed with a swift nod and tossed Pedro's body to the side. Manny whimpered and backed away into a pile of rubble behind him that used to be a McEmperor's franchise before the ork WAAAGH! "Now, wot's Iz to do wif you?"

Manny gulped and fiddled with his lasgun, smiling nervously at the massive green beast towering over him. All around them the landscape was a mirrored image of the same situation, perhaps because they were inside the ruins of a House of Mirrors, but that's unimportant.

"Err, let me live?" Manny spewed out with a quivering smile, half-hoping that the ork was stupid enough to-

"No, I'll eat yer liver." The ork clapped his hands, smiled and grabbed the screaming and screeching Manny by his kicking and scrambling limbs before tearing them all off. It goes without mention, he did eat the liver.

Also, Manny died.

The end.

For Manny.

Because, y'know, he's dead. Like a lot.

Losing the liver via biting tends to do that.

Yeah.

Manny opened his eyes once more to find himself surrounded by intoxicatingly delicious energy crackling around him like thousands of electric discharges simultaneously going off on his skin. He felt peaceful, and naked.

His nakedness, however, was the least of his concern as he rapidly realized he was inside the dreaded Warp. The chaotic energy was palpable in the air, and Manny suddenly became terrified. He was not only naked, but he was naked inside the Warp, but not only that; he was naked, in the Warp, and surrounded on all sides by dark energy.

"Oh shit." Said Manny, trying to cover his growing erection as none other than the motherfucking God Emperor of Mankind gracefully glided down from the chaotic Warp storms thundering above him down to the insignificant imperial guardsman below. Manny suddenly became aware of two things:

Firstly, he was stark naked, with a massive erection, in the middle of the Warp with none other than the big guy himself approaching him.

Second, the ork had kept his liver.

"My son, do you know who I am?" Spoke the Emperor in a glorious voice reminiscent of a choir of a billion, angelical castratos, but overflowing with such copious amounts of masculine testosterone that Manny felt his non-existent vagina overflowing and he began to lactate. "Do you know why you've been summoned?"

The light of a billion suns reflected off the Emperor's glorious armor to create such a powerful light that no darkness could ever hope to outshine it. The armor was tight fitting to accommodate to the Emperor's extremely fit and beautiful body. His abs were perfectly outlined to the most minimum detail, his biceps bulged and hardened whenever he flexed them. Manny felt drool leaving his mouth as the sight of the Emperor's-

"My son, up here, if you please."  
Manny shook his head to clear it, and he looked up to the Emperor's smiling face. His jaw was chiseled out of marble, it seemed to Manny, and his eyes were the embodiment of sensuality itself. Oh, and that nose… If Manny had had any clothes on, he'd have needed to change them.

"Umm… I… I'm Manny, my Emperor… I mean, your Emperor! No, you're the Emperor, and I'm yours. Not that you're mine, not my Emperor… I mean yes! You're my Emperor, but you don't belong to me, you belong to you, or not, I don't know!" Manny covered his face, blushing madly at how much of an idiot he was being in front of THE EMPEROR.

But the Emperor was merciful, so he simply smiled with his incredibly masculine lips and beckoned for Manny to follow him.  
Manny nodded and scrambled behind the Emperor, completely unconcerned by being able to walk normally in the Warp. The Emperor was obviously doing it. He could do anything with his slick, oil-covered abs and bulging-

"Here, my son. Enter, and refrain from trying to flee, if you can."

Manny gulped but did as he was told. The Emperor would obviously protect him. The tiny guardsman walked over to the Emperor and to the large wooden door that had materialized beside him. At the behest of the Emperor's virile smile, Manny opened the door and entered.

As soon as the door was open enough for Manny to see inside, all those occupying the room became aware of just how loud and effeminate an Imperial Guardsman's scream can be.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Screeched Manny with all his strength as the faces of a myriad xenos and other scary things materialized before him. "EMPEROR, PLEASE HOLD ME!"

The Emperor rolled his eyes and smacked Manny in the back of the head with his robust, firm, steady and powerful hand, knocking the guardsman unconscious.

Manny was getting tired of being hit in the head, having his liver eaten, and then waking up naked. It was like having to share a tent with a Catachan guardsman all over again, and Manny wasn't going to have any of it, unless anyone else wanted him to, in which case he couldn't do much...

Manny was sitting in the middle of a large, round table with a hole and chair in the middle. The Emperor was facing him, and beside him was Khorne on the right, then Slaanesh on the left, and there were also Gork and Mork, Nurgle, Tzeentch, some Eldars, a few Necrons, and helluvalot of weird shit. Even Malal was there, but Manny didn't know that. No one knew Malal...

"Okay, so let me get this straight then..." Manny said, rubbing his temples. He was fairly confused. He felt as though he'd been skullfucked by an entire Chapter of angry space marines. It was not a pretty feeling. On the plus side, he was clothed. On the bad side, he was also surrounded by every living God in existence. "You want me to go to a weird planet inside the Eye of Terror..."

"Yes." Replied everygod.

"...to convince a bunch of xenos of drinking this stuff..." Manny held up a vial that Slaanesh had given him during the event that Manny had come to name 'The Butt Stretcher' because he felt exactly that way after being told what they wanted from him.

Slaanesh giggled as everygod nodded, and Manny realized the liquid inside the glass roughly resembled semen.

"Eww..." He winced. "Okay, and I must do this alongside a bunch of weirdos of your choosing because... because why, again?"

"Because we believe in you-" The Emperor began, but Khorned slammed a fist into the table so hard it drew blood from the wood.

"BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY!"

Manny 'eeped' and peed himself a little. "Okay, Mr. Khorne. Please don't hurt me." He squeaked and shrank as much as he could into the chair.

The Emperor sighed and stood up. He searched inside his beautiful pockets and produced a small figurine. "This, Manny, is why we need you to do this." He placed the figurine on the counter and sat back down.

Manny recovered enough from his terror to look at the figurine. It was a small, plastic, purple horse. A pony toy that was probably older than the Imperium itself. The guardsman didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent as one by one, everyone took a hand into their pockets and started placing more figurines on the table. Except for Slaanesh, who instead searched inside hiers panties.

A pristine white unicorn with a purple mane stood before Tzeentch. A bright pink pony was placed in front of Slaanesh; Nurgle happily put forth a yellow pony with a pink mane, while Gork and Mork loudly slammed down two cream colored ponies with red manes and joyously announced their names "Flim!" and "Flam!". One by one everyone put a pony on the table, except for Khorne.

"Khorne, you too." Said the Emperor.

"Do it, you brute." Slaanesh urged.

"Orkz put ponis! Spiky Boy put poni too!" Demanded the ork twins.

Finally Khorne grumbled in annoyance and roughly pulled out a perfectly intact and well-cared for white pony with a multicolored mane and a golden crown on her head.

"Cake for the cake goddess..." He muttered and sat back on his chair.

Manny was baffled. He had no idea what that whole, apparently-emotional display was supposed to mean. He simply shut it and waited for the gods to explain what exactly was going on.

The Emperor looked Manny in the eye and spoke.

"We need you to do this, Manny. We cannot trust ourselves to not lose it if faced by our idols. You must be the one to take this vial and convince them to drink it, or else they may not survive what is to come."

"W-what is to come?" Manny asked with a trembling voice.

"The end of ponykind." They all said in unison, perfectly scaring Manny once more.

And once more did Manny feel the piss sliding down his leg.

Unbeknownst to them all, Twilight Sparkle looked up from her studies and stared at the sky. Rainbow Dash looked at her and arched an eyebrow.

"What is it, Twilight?"

"I don't know, Rainbow Dash. It just feels as if the universe were gathering its greatest and most powerful forces to conjure up the most pathetic beings in the galaxy for a task much greater than themselves..."

"Uh-huh." Rainbow sighed and rolled off the balcony. Her wings spread out and she flew away, shouting a big, loud, "NEEEEEEEERD!"

Twilight sighed, then returned to her studies.

"Whatever."

She had no idea what awaited her. 


	2. For Teh Emprah!

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/ FOR TEH EMPRAH!/ Story: Manny the Imperial Guard's Chaos-Funded Adventure Into Horseland/ by Iron Cultist Galley/-/

[size=2em]FOR TEH EMPRAH![/size]

Manny gazed out of the window of his new temporary home. The massive space hulk rolled through the Warp with the great pride of a continent. The gods of the galaxy were gathered within it to prepare themselves for the long wait that would be Manny's mission. They all had gathered champions, and they were all eager to have a part in their ages old obsession. For the first time in millennia, the gods and their children would meet the ponies.

The Emperor spent time with Manny, briefing him on his new task. The guardsman understood a little more every day, but his questions also grew more numerous. The Emperor told him of his time after being confined to the Golden Throne; how he wandered the Warp solely in mind; how he met the ruinous gods, battled them, talked, then battled some more. Gork and Mork, the Eldar, the Necrons, it was all a constant state of mental warfare between gods. The Emperor grew tired during those fights, so he sought refuge and peace of mind in the few moments he did not need to calm the Warp storms or battle the other gods.

He found such peace in Equestria. Human worlds were full of the pains and torments the Emperor battled daily, so they did naught to put his mind at ease, and xeno worlds were not to his liking, but the ponies looked cheerful and their lives were mostly uninterrupted rivers of peace and joy. Their problems were minuscule when compared to the horrors of the galaxy. They were the perfect escape. So it seemed that the Emperor spent more and more time watching the ponies go about their lives, until his visits overlapped with those of Slaanesh.

The Emperor had smiled as he told Manny just how red the Prince of Pleasure had become when caught smiling tenderly at the colorful equines by none other than the Emperor himself. The Emperor had been no less embarrassed, and so they both agreed to never mention it again. But then they saw Nurgle frolicking inside the swamps of the Everfree, and Tzeentch was then caught redhanded inside Canterlot Castle, plotting to re-release a draconequus. It soon became apparent to the gods that they all did seem to share something in common after all.

Manny could hardly believe it. Gork and Mork in some place called the Badlands, fighting over whether dogs or minotaurs were bester; Eldar gods sipping wine on a city made of clouds; Necrons enjoying the underground caverns beneath the mountains, and then there was Khorne... No one really spoke of ponies near Khorne if they wanted to keep their limbs attached to their bodies. Hell, not even Slaanesh dared to do so. Well, as the Emperor had said to him: the only thing Manny needed to know of Khorne and the ponies was that he was part of the plan, and nothing else should he value his life.

Well, what was left of it.

Manny scratched the hole in his side where his liver used to be. It was itchy.

"Umm... sorry, great Emperor, but... aren't we supposed to hate the xenos?" Asked Manny, trying to wrap his head around not hating xenos. "I mean, uh, it's kinda been the right answer to every history test I've taken since kindergarten..."

"Yes, but I've had a thought. You see, Manny, humans can mutate into xenos, and then we kill them, right?"

Manny nodded happily. "Sure thing! I had a cousin that grew a third leg, so we had her tied to a shell and we shot her at the orks. I died a few days later."

"Well, what if we could mutate xenos back to humans?" The Emperor said, and it took Manny a few seconds to process the information.

"So... no xeno killing?" He finally replied after a full minute of thinking. Guardsmen were more effective at thinking in large numbers, much like everything else. "Why?"

"Because they could be human. Their bodies are the only difference." The Emperor said, eyes looking off into space with glorious determination.

"Well, that sounds kinda racist, but okay. So how do we do that, great Emperor?" Manny scratched the massive scab that covered the huge bite the ork had taken out of him. He would have had it fixed, but it seemed only Gork and Mork could repair an ork bite, but neither of them wanted to. They said it made Manny look more 'orky', which was apparently a good thing.

"You'll mix this into the vial that Slaanesh gave you." The Emperor said, showing a small flask to Manny. It contained a crystalline pink liquid inside, and a human stickman was drawn on a tag pasted to the flask. "Add it to Slaanesh's liquid and make the ponies mass produce it. Once the population has drunk from it, they'll be transformed into humans, and we can reunite them to the Imperium as soon as the planet returns to its position in the Immaterium. That should be soon."

"Okay then." Manny took the flask and put it somewhere safe within his Imperial Guard armor. "So, what does Slaanesh's stuff actually do?" No one had yet bothered to tell him a thing about it, except for Slaanesh hiersmself, who not only proved right Manny's suspicion that the liquid looked like semen, but tasted like it too.

"It's meant to protect the ponies from what is to come."

Manny gulped and shut up. Anything bad enough to upset the Emperor, and every other god in the space hulk, was bad enough to not be something he wanted to know about. He was a guardsman, he wasn't supposed to know the big picture; only the pixels he needed to capture.

The walk down to the only functional ship in the entire space hulk was along one, made only longer by the sudden solemnity that surrounded the Emperor. They were going to meet the others, as the Emperor had put it. Every god had procured the, well, the worst of all their devotees, because it just wouldn't do to have their best rip each other to pieces before ever getting inside the ship itself. This mission needed level headed people, and in their obvious absence, cowards and weaklings would have to do.

So Manny went down to the meeting place for the champions of the gods.

"Don't worry, Manny. I have managed to secure you with two fellow Imperium soldiers. They are not battle-hardened warriors, but they may be to your liking." The Emperor said as they reached the last door before their ultimate destination. Lastly, he smiled, patted Manny on the back and wished him luck. "The fate of Equestria lies in your hands, Manny. Make the Imperium proud."

Manny nodded shakily and stepped into the room.

The place was homely enough, Manny guessed. There was less blood and guts in it than other places of the space hulk, and chaos devotees seemed to be less active in the raping and killing. That was nice.

Manny walked around for a bit until he bumped into a young woman, knocking the books she was carrying to the floor and making her yelp. Manny himself bounced back and landed on his butt, but his trusty Imperial Armor was well padded in the butt area, so damage was minimal to the butt. Manny's butt, that is.

"Sorry! Sorry- hey!" Manny screamed as bolter fire echoed around him, above him, and in most directions he could discern. Bullets ricocheted off walls and tore chaos devotees to shreds. Manny screamed and screamed while huddling in a fetal position until the gunfire finally stopped. Only then did Manny dare brave the scary world once more.

"FUCKING SHIT! STOP THAT FUCKING RACKET, YOU CUM GUZZLING, COCK GOBBLING BITCH!" SHOUTED A- sorry, Shouted an angry Space Marine in bright yellow and red power armor with a myriad of profanities and obscene symbols scribbled on it. His helmet was perpetually showing a massive scowl, and the words 'ALWAYS ANGRY ALL THE TIME' were painted with fresh blood across his back. Manny eeped and hugged his knees.

The Space Marine was holding the squirming girl with his massive hands. She was struggling to break free, but it was useless. Once an angry Space Marine took a hold of you, you had a better chance of being loved by a necron than being released.

"I WILL AMPUTATE YOUR WHORE ARMS WITH MY PE- Oh, hey there, Ringarde. How are you doing?" The angry Space Marine unceremoniously dropped the shaken Sister of Battle and walked off to a table in the middle of the room. The lass had stopped breathing and her eyes were large as platters. She wasn't moving either, just laying there, looking at the ceiling in abject horror while the Space Marine smeared a piece of cake on his helmet and spilled a grape soda on the same.

Manny, always the gentleman, approached the fallen Sister of Battle and gently poked her with the tip of his boot.

"Is... is she dead?" He asked into the empty air, not truly expecting a reply. The angry Space Marine had finished his meal and was wiping the cake and soda smears from his armor with the skin of a chaos cultist he'd caught masturbating furiously under the table. Slaaneshi cultists obviously made for the best napkins, since their skin was usually softer than Khorne worshippers, cleaner than Nurglings, and not as hard to catch as Tzeentchspawn.

"I'm fine, thank you." Ringarde squeaked meekly from beneath Manny's shadow. Her eyes were still fixed on a spot in the ceiling, pupils shrunk to the size of an ork brain. Manny ran a hand through his hair and made a face. You know, the type of face you make when someone who just fired about thirty rounds into a crowd of people out of fright and then was assaulted by an angry Space Marine tells you that she's fine. Manny, obviously, didn't buy it. Utilizing his clever Imperial Guardsman interrogation skills, Manny sought to pursue the truth.

"You sure?" He offered the Sister of Battle a hand and she took it after a few seconds of insecurity. She stood up and patted the dust off her armor. Manny took the chance to give her the obligatory Goodies-Scan that all self-respecting men are won't to carry out. White hair, short of stature, slender to the point of skinny but not quite there, big eyes, small nose, tiny mouth; the armor's breasts were an average size per Imperium regulations, but Manny wasn't quite sure she filled them. Overall? The girl was too small to be an actual Sister of Battle.

Then again, Manny was the gretchin equivalent of mankind. Sort of.

"Yes, thank you." Ringarde crossed her arms and stood there. Just stood there, face bright red and downcast with her bangs shielding her eyes. Manny had never been good with awkward silences, nor women, so when the both were combined, he was quite glad that her books were still scattered on the floor.

"Let me get those for you." He said and moved to retrieve them.

"Stahp raaaight therr!" Manny froze in his spot as a spear thrust straight through the book he was trying to take. His eyes travelled up the rotting spear shaft and looked into the eyes of the person holding it. "Hwee have kaptoored thees fhor khay-oohsss!"

Before Manny stood a ragged, tattered, and dirty lass wearing rags for clothes. The front of her panties was visible and, for that matter, stained by something Manny did not quite like the smell of. She wore a black brassiere and her body was tattooed with the symbols of chaos, so all four gods adorned her body.

"Umm..." Manny retracted his hand and backed away slowly; trying to get as much distance between himself and the lass' predatory grin. Two files of dagger-sharp teeth filled her mouth, and one hand was holding a lasgun. "Okay..."

"Fuck's sake, stop that and get back here." A Chaos Marine called out from the far back of the room where he sat on a bench, cleaning his bolter. The lass grinned and turned around.

"Koh-meeng!" She sang and sped across the room back to the side of the chaos marine. She was a Chaos Cultist, Manny reflected. Several other cultists were gathered around the few Chaos Marines, wringing their hands together while making puppy eyes to the massive warriors. Manny could hear their endless chatter even from afar.

"How can I serve?"

"We can serve you, we are eager to please!"

"Grant us the gifts of the chaos gods, great one!"

"Aaah, my spleen!"

"We are your favorites, are we not?"

The Chaos Marines seemed annoyed to hell and back, and some dead cultists on the floor were proof enough that not all Chaos Marines had the patience of a saint.

Manny turned around and shook his head to see if he could clear it of all the madness going on before his eyes. Chaos cultists, Imperium soldiers, Eldar, Orkz, Necrons, and Emperor-knew what else were sharing the same room without too much destruction going on. Manny just couldn't wrap his head around all this.

Scratching the spot where his liver used to rest, Manny went ahead and sat down next to the angry Space Marine and Ringarde, who had fled to the table the moment all eyes were off her. They all sat in perfect silence, except for the more than occasional obscenity or curse from the Space Marine. Manny eventually decided to break the ice.

"So, do you guys-"

"EAT A DICK!" Angry Space Marine slammed a fist against the table and sent food flying everywhere. He then grabbed another cultist and cleaned his armor once more. Manny found himself looking at him from beneath the table, and Ringarde was trembling slightly. So that was the end of conversation for the rest of the hour. Thankfully, they did not need to wait for long. Soon enough the food was gone and the drink ran dry, and as cultists and imperials began to eye each other angrily, a ship docked in the hangar right next to the room they were all in.  



	3. Fohr kay-ohss!

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/ FOHR KAY-OHSS!/ Story: Manny the Imperial Guard's Chaos-Funded Adventure Into Horseland/ by Iron Cultist Galley/-/

[size=2em]FOHR KAY-OHSS![/size]

The ship docked on the bay, and everyone started towards it. Manny kept close to Angry Space Marine, whose real name was still an enigma to both Ringarde and the guardsman. Angry Space Marine didn't even seem to notice Manny unless he spoke or made himself otherwise noticeable. The massive warrior just stomped his way to the ship, clutching the femur of some poor cultist in his right hand.

Ringarde held her bolter with both hands, hugging it to her chest while she timidly trailed behind Manny. Cultists were everywhere, crawling, running, lounging about or praising their gods via unspeakable acts. Manny wished he had something to defend himself with, but he seemed to have misplaced his lasgun sometime back. How he survived through any battle, hell, training even, was beyond his mind.

"OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR NOW!" Angry hammered the door with his fist. Ringarde and Manny stood behind him, facing the huge crowd. A pair of Eldar walked up to them, some Orkz, and even a Tau. They scowled at them, and much to both imperials' dismay, they all were armed to the teeth. Ringarde stole a side-glance at Manny and the guardsman held up his fists in what he hoped was a menacing display.

"Ye grot, I'll eat yer liver!" One of the orkz brandished a big shoota and waved it around. Manny sighed and flipped him the bird. It was still a sensible topic for him. Sensing Ringarde's eyes on him, Manny stood up straight, put his fists up higher, and stuck his chin out as much as he could.

"Oh yeah? Well, then you'll just have to, uh..." The ork took a few steps forward and planted his fanged face in front of Manny's. A stinking breath flew out of his massive nostrils, and he knelt to be face to face to the small human.

"I'll have to wot?"

Ringarde was backing away so much she was all but climbing on top of Angry, who was still pounding at the large dent he'd made on the door. Her hands held the bolter up in what she tried to make a straight line, but her trembling made the weapon go from aiming at the ork to Manny, the ceiling, the floor, and a random spot on the wall.

"Uhm..." Manny's fists lowered and his gaze turned upward to look the ork in the eye. He wished he hadn't the moment he saw the deep red in them. Images of his limbs flying around and his liver being snacked on flashed across his eyes, and he fought hard to keep the squeak inside his throat.

"For Gork and Mork." The ork said, raised a massive fist slowly so that Manny could see it, and then roared as lasgun fire tore his hand to pieces.

"FOHR KAY-OHSS!"

Ringarde screamed and showered the room with bolter fire, Angry turned around and caught a laser in the face, Manny scrambled to the floor in search for something to hit people with; all the while Chaos cultists swarmed the place, slashing and shooting up a maelstrom. Those Eldar, Orkz, and the Tau that were in the open were caught off guard and torn to shreds. Those others who had been farther behind or in other rooms stood a better chance of grabbing something to defend themselves with, but Chaos was everywhere at the same time, massacring everything that moved.

Screams permeated the air as Manny crawled through the growing pools of blood and gore that covered the floor. Lasgun fire, bullets, rockets, and a few axes were flying everywhere, slicing limbs, tearing flesh, searing bodies, and mutilating what they caught in their path. The imperial guardsman covered his head and reached for one of the ork shootas resting in the blood and organs of its previous owner; a massive ork nob with five dead cultists at his feet and a massive hole in his chest.

Manny took the shoota and looked around. It was, in all aspects, chaos. The room they were in seemed to be the center of the fight, with cultists on the far end of it and an assorted warband of other races trying to figure out what to do in the adjacent room. Every few seconds an overeager cultist would rush the door only to get blasted apart by the weapons of the defenders.

Manny looked back to the ship. Angry was lying on the floor, immobile. Ringarde was huddled behind him, trying to keep away from the worst of the fire being exchanged. She tried once or twice to return fire, but every time she peeked out from her hiding place, a hail of gunfire slammed into the side of the ship and forced her back into hiding.

Manny was playing dead. Not overly courageous, but it had kept him from dying a couple of times in the past. Manny was thankful his commissar never found out, but he'd become sort of an expert at playing dead. Now however, he needed to play a different role. The cultists were gaining ground, forcing whoever was holding the door back with concentrated fire. Chaos had not sent its worst, it seemed to Manny.

The imperial guardsman sighed and winced. He'd need to make a run for it.

Looking back at Ringarde, Manny pointed at the ship's door, and desperately hoped she understood. The Sister of Battle was shaking worse than a chihuahua inside a refrigerator, but she nodded. Manny breathed in and out, trying to calm himself.

Then he jumped.

"For the Empero-! oh shit." Manny pressed the trigger of the ork shoota with all his might, but the thing wouldn't fire. The firefight seemed to have stopped as all eyes were fixed on the little guardsman standing in the middle of the battle without cover or weapon. Manny smiled nervously at the cultists and xenos; he hit the shoota on the side, slammed it against the floor, yelled at it, pleaded with it, and then stared at the pieces as the shoota came apart in a rain of gears and springs arranged in no logical order.

Ringarde was standing in front of the door with a horrified expression, out of cover as well; the cultists smiled and snickered; the xenos reacted variedly, and Manny could practically hear his commissar grinding his teeth and piercing the flesh of his palms with his nails in anger.

Manny smiled and dived for safety as the battle resumed its ferocity. The guardsman rushed the ship's door and tackled the petrified Sister of Battle to the floor with an audible 'eep!'. Utilizing a reserve of strength unknown to him up to that point, Manny pulled Angry's body over the both of them and closed his eyes.

Sadly for Manny, Angry was pretty heavy.

"Ow, my head..." Manny opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. It seemed closer than it did before and darker. A throbbing pain was pounding in his head, and he felt as though he'd been steamrolled by a mammoth. He groaned and turned on his shoulder to face the wall. He didn't remember that wall being there.

"Last one's awake."

Manny groaned again and pushed himself to his knees. He felt dizzy from the effort, but at least he was getting a better notion of where he was. The wall was right in his face now, and it ran from left to right for quite the stretch of space, but was only four or five meters high. Manny rubbed his eyes and placed a hand on the cold metal wall.

Manny looked around, trying to find any sense in what was going on. By the Emperor, what he would have given for a lasgun.

"Where... where am I?" Manny said, trying to get his bearings. He slowly stood up and leaned against the wall. "Where's the... the others?" Someone snickered and someone else spat. Manny thought he heard a whimper as well. The light was bad, Manny could barely see the color of the world around him, but the stench was worse. It smelled rotten and forgotten, the air did.

"Hwee cap-toored hyuu fohr kay-ohsss!" The cultist from before shouted, rising her arms to the ceiling and smiling widely. "Hyuu are een howor ship!" The cultist sat cross-legged on the floor and stared, while other cultists looked on from farther behind, stealing glances at Manny before returning to their chaotic activities.

"Uh..." The cultist's stare intensified. "What are you doing?" Manny sat back and rubbed his forehead.

"Mahstor sehd hwee had to luuhk aftor hyuu." She edged a little closer. "So hwee are luuhking aftor hyuu."

Manny arched an eyebrow. Time passed. He cleared his throat. She stared. He scratched his head. She blinked once, and he supposed that was as much as she'd change her stance. By the Warp, he had no way of knowing how long he'd been asleep and if she'd been staring all that while too.

"Uhm... do you know where my friends are?" He asked, moving his head from side to side to see if she'd follow. She did. "I kinda, uh, need to find them." Manny waved a hand in front of her eyes, but she didn't break the stare. "It's, eh, important, or something."

The cultist didn't reply, but the stare got stronger. Manny made a face and moved to stand up. He was tired of all the nonsense.

"Fine. Whatever! I'll just find them myself..." He was quite frankly expecting some sort of immediate pain for standing up. He was a prisoner after all, but the cultist simply stood up, dusted herself off, and followed as Manny walked to the nearest door; her eyes never leaving him except for the blinking breaks.

"Uh, what are you doing?" He asked her when the door opened. The hallway of freedom completely within his reach. None of the other cultists were paying him any mind, even though he was practically escaping.

"Hwee are luuhking aftor hyuu!" The cultist smiled widely and went through the door. Manny shrugged and continued. He went through one corridor after the other, taking odd twists and turns he really wasn't bothering to remember. His breath was coming out heavy and he felt his feet aching as he neared the final door at the end of a large corridor. He wasn't in the space hulk anymore, of that he was certain.

"Hwee are in da ship!" The cultist said once more. Manny wasn't sure who she was talking to, but it was good to know where he was. It was a pretty big ship though. He had been searching for the better part of half an hour and still nothing.

"Last door." He said as he opened the final door in the corridor. It opened with a metallic clank, and Manny stepped inside.

The room was dark and spacious, so it took Manny a good while to adjust himself to the low light before he could see Ringarde in the far end of it, struggling against her bonds as a host of Daemonettes giggled and jumped about giddily around her. They held cards in their claws and laughed every time one of them seemed to win, and peeled off a piece of armor from the Sister of Battle.

Manny sucked in breath and readied himself to be a hero.

"Hey you, uh, heretics, yeah! Hey you heretics! Stop that now!" He shouted and raised his fists. "Stop or I'll-!"

"YOU SIMPERING FUCKS!" Manny squealed and jumped up into the cultist's arms as a massive mass of muscular anger burst through the door, holding the bloodied spine of some unfortunate cultist. "I WILL VIOLATE YOUR ORIFICES WITH IMPERIAL FURY!"

Ringarde called out from behind her gags and the daemonettes gaped at the masculine form that charged them from the door, salivating at the sight of the angry Space Marine, completely naked.

Angry rushed them with the fury of a billion suns, smashing the spine against the nose of the nearest daemonette; then grabbing the next one by the teats and hurling her against a wall. The rest of them were petrified by the arcane power of his bulging biceps, drawn to inaction with such strength they could do nothing as Angry commenced an Exterminatus on their orifices with his fists.

"Those abs!"

"By Slaanesh, I can't look away!"

*Schlick schlick schlick*

"Purge me, please, fucking purge me!"

Angry did just that. His massive arms took hold of the daemonettes as though they were made of clay and he hurled them against each other, squeezed them with his thighs, smashed them with his buttocks, and stabbed them with his power sword.

The completely unarmed Space Marine then grabbed the last of the daemonettes with both his hands and stared into her eyes, anger overflowing from him in the form of rabid foam spilling out of his righteous mandible.

"FUCK YOU!" He shouted, and slammed her down against his hairy chest with such force that she climaxed seconds before bursting into pieces. Then, his work was complete. "Xenos have been purged. FOR THE EMPEROR!" He exclaimed and tucked his power sword away into a small pair of shorts he found on the ground. Joyously for any daemonette still alive, the shorts hugged his manliness tightly and strained greatly with every step he took.

Manny stared at the mess with a hanging lower jaw. It was the second or so time the Space Marine had outshined him, but he really wasn't complaining. Angry flexed his muscles and Ringarde's bonds came apart in a blaze of hotness, leaving the gawking Sororita free once again to carry out the Emperor's will.

Y'know, if the Emperor's will includes peeping.

"By the Emperor, what the FUCK do we do now?" Angry slammed a fist into the nearest wall for no apparent reason and glared at nothing in particular. "They stole my fucking armor!"

"Uhh..." Manny turned to check the door, and noticed that the cultist wasn't there anymore. "Huh. Well, whatever. I say we find an escape pod or something."

Ringarde nodded. "We need to find you some clothes first." She added in a whisper while covering her eyes with her hand, face flushed.

"FUCK THIS SHIP!" Angry hollered and stormed out of the room, not checking to see if anyone followed. Obviously, Manny and Ringarde did follow. Manny was good as dead if Angry left him alone for much longer than five minutes.

Angry stomped his way to the kitchen, massacred some cultists, then moved on to the next room. Manny and Ringarde followed, pale-faced and trying not to step on any of the gory bits and pieces Angry left in his wake.

The three of them eventually reached a small room with the words ECKSKAPE POD! scrawled on the door. Manny was thirty percent sure the sign had been been painted by someone from Catachan.

They entered the small ship and Manny rapidly flipped through the pages of the manual, desperately trying to find how to turn the ship on-

"FUCK THIS SHIP!" Angry shouted and slammed his forehead against the controls, revving the small craft to life. Manny tried to think how, but gave up, sighed and accepted his fate.

"Whatever. I've seen weirder today..."

The three of them left the chaos-riddled ship behind as they set course for the nearest planet, Horseplanet II.

Whoever had named it didn't have much imagination, Manny reflected. 


End file.
